Blubbering Over Ham and Cheese - The Novel

Have you ever opened the fridge, pulled open the drawer that holds that ham and cheese, then become overcome with emotion? It just happened to me.

No, I wasn't euphoric over the fact that I was going to have a nice sandwich, and no, there wasn't a thousand dollar bill poking out of the cheese.

It had to do with my son, and our time together after work yesterday. I came home, and wrangled up some grub which consisted of DramaMama's fabulous Russian Shepherd's Pot Pie* and a couple ham and cheese sandwiches.

This morning very early, I drove my son to the airport for him to return to his home in Utah. This concluded his once a year-30 day visit. These visits seem to last a wink, and it always seems so unfair when he has to go back. We were both a bit misty when he was leaving.

I recently made a change in my "happy pill" medication, and the transition has been a little scary and unpleasant. As I came down from the one that was only sort of working, it soon became evident why I wasn't feeling good. I had an unbelievable amount of pent up stress and and emotion that the medication basically had put a lid on and sealed it tight. As the effects of the not-so-happy happy pills wore off, I began feeling what I can only describe as rage. For those familiar with the Harry Potter movies, think of the moving picture wanted poster of Sirius Black. When he looks forward and screams... That's what I felt like. I wanted to scream, hit, break, cuss, yell, throw, and basically explode. To DramaMama, it was both scary and comical.

I released some of that by acting on it in a relatively harmless way. We were both in our room and I was telling her how I was feeling. There was an empty box on the floor, and I used it as an outlet. First I punched it, and put my hand through it, then I punched and punched, then ripped it to pieces. That's where DramaMama thought it was comical, watching me rip up a box. She got a raspberry for that one. I am happy to report that none of this aggression was taken out on anyone or anything but that poor hapless box. I have been a bit grouchy through this though.

I am still waiting for the new meds to take hold. In the meantime, I have been on a bit of a rollercoaster ride of emotions. That rampage happened before church. I was still pretty hot through the main service. We go through a 3 hour block which consists of 3 meetings. That day I was to teach a lesson during the 3rd meeting, and I was nowhere near the right frame of mind or spiritual deportment to do so.

The second meeting was Sunday School, and I just couldn't go in there. I sat on the couch in the lobby. I brought along something to "center" me, which was my MP3 player. I don't bring things like that to church... this was a one-shot deal, because I knew I had to get a grip before my lesson. I put on my New Age genre songs, reviewed my lesson, and soon came down from the rage. I felt like there was a ceiling inside my head blocking the spirit, and I prayed and asked for help. Between the music David Lanz and Suzanne Ciani, and reviewing the material of my lesson, the spirit was finally able to break through. The result was a release of pent up emotion. I was sitting there, and half the ward walked by and said hello. I was doing my best to hold it all in so I wasn't bawling in the lobby.

My lesson was for Priesthood Meeting, and one of the people that came and talked to me was the Elder's Quorum President. He asked about my upcoming lesson, and I said I was ready. He could tell there was something wrong, and asked if I was alright to which I replied I wasn't.

That of course made it even harder to hold in. He had his little baby boy there with him, so I took him and held him for a few minutes, and made faces and stuff to make him laugh which was also to help me cheer up. The EQP offered to take the lesson for me, but I was determined to do it myself, and not wimp out on it. I turned him down.

By the time the third meeting was to begin, I had managed to center myself, and headed off to the opening exercises. (A prayer, announcements and a hymn). Then I did my lesson which was on integrity. We talked about a lot of the little things in life that eat away at our integrity. I used examples of Peter, who told those who wanted to kill him "We should obey God rather than men." We talked of Daniel who rather than pray to a thing, defied the king's edict and openly prayed to God. We talked of Shadrac, Meshac and Abednego, who similarly refused to worship an idol, and told the king in no uncertain terms that they would not do it. They were tossed into a furnace that had been stoked to seven times its normal temperature, and it was so hot that those stoking the fire died. Both Daniel and the those three men were saved by divine providence. The Lord shut the mouths of the lions, and personally stood with Shadrac, Meshac and Abednego in the fiery furnace from which they were delivered without harm. The lesson was one of the best I have ever given, because there was a lot of participation from the group.

I am still up and down and am really looking forward to the newer meds getting properly built up. I have noticed a difference in how my head feels though. Before it always felt like my head was full of cotton, and I just couldn't deal with stuff because I always felt like nothing else could fit in my head. Now that has diminished, and I find myself getting into things that have been dormant for a long long time. I started playing the piano again, I have done more writing, I find it easier to do stuff like take out the trash, laundry, dishes, etc. I feel that there is a ways to go still, and possibly an increase in the dosage, but on the whole I think the trend is good.

Believe it or not, I see the rage/meltdown yo-yo thing as a positive. What I feel like, is that instead of helping me deal with these things, the old meds were merely masking their effects, and I was not releasing anything. With that out of my system, it finally unlocked the cage and let out a "Freddy Kruger breaks the Hoover Dam" kind of thing.

I took the day off from work yesterday to spend the last day with James before he had to leave. We played games, went to see a movie, and just spent time together which was very nice.

DramaMama and the other two boys are visiting DramaMama's parents in New Mexico for a couple days, so now I am home alone again. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I was intending to do a little writing this evening on my book, but it appears I have spent that time writing this post... oh well. I did at least upload the stuff I wrote at lunch today.



* What the...??? Her creation was described as a combination of Chicken Kiev, Shepherd's Pie and Chicken Pot Pie... I gave it the name above